Sunset Hour for The family

wednesday, january 31, 2007

The sunset hour for the family

By Punam Khaira Sidhu

For his class assignment, my younger son — all of 11 — had to visit an old age home. The cheerful unaffected young boy who put his best cub reporter foot forward emerged from the experience a sombre young man after a poignant set of interviews with the city’s senior citizens.

The old age home was clean, and the management had tried to provide a home away from home. But was it really a home? Tears clouded the eyes of the inmates in response to my son’s query: why don’t you live in your own house or with your children? Each elder was a living epitome of an emerging social trend. The days of Shravana, who carried his parents on his shoulders, are clearly in the realm of legend today.

Nothing is more debilitating for a relationship than dependence. These are not times to test the time honoured bonds of love and respect. Stresses and tensions abound in the lives of urban professionals due to hectic work schedules and children’s requirements. The first casualties of high stress are relationships with elders, perceived as redundant or unproductive.

Acquisitive consumer lifestyles, with both men and women working to support them, have meant that the authority of elders is completely undermined. Unlike in the West, where parents ask children to find their own place after they turn 18, Indian parents live each day planning and saving for their progeny. Before student loans became more easily available, almost every Indian parent effectively sacrificed the present to provide for the child’s future. Many a desire was forfeited with a smile. Wants and comforts took an altruistic backseat to fund children’s aspirations. Is it unreasonable then for them to expect to be looked after in the sunset of their lives?

My father often called us, his children, his best investments. Do these investments pay off? Or is it time for parents to shed their altruism and provide for their old age first? The elders at the old age home believed that they had been traded in by their children for materialistic considerations. For my son, whose best friend is his grandfather, this was hard to accept. Can televisions, cars and refrigerators even compare with the love and care received from our elders? The answer to this question has to be a product of the circumstances of each family and each set of individuals. One can’t be overly judgmental about these issues.

But what our generation can strive for is to resuscitate the wonderful tradition of respecting our elders. I have found that when it comes to grandchildren, elders have a natural instinct for nurture. This is why each family should reach out to grandma and pa and mend frayed emotional bonds. If, in the extreme case, you can’t get along with your own, adopt one, unhampered by the emotional baggage of relationships that have atrophied. Nothing warms the cockles of the heart and soul quite like love from grandma/pa. You have my son’s word — or rather a grandson’s word — for it!